Chuck Shepherd's News of the Weird

Lead StoryBig-time traffickers who smuggle illegal immigrants into the U.S. from Mexico rely on GPS devices to evade the Border Patrol, but starting in June, border-jumpers who travel on their own can have protection, too. Three University of California, San Diego faculty members have designed inexpensive cell phones with special software to locate water, churches and medical facilities in the treacherous Southwest desert (while avoiding law enforcement) and will give the devices to Mexican charities. The phones, which will also feature "welcome to the U.S." poetry, are expected to save the lives of many of the hundreds who die each year on their dangerous journeys, but illegal-immigration protesters are demanding that the academics be arrested for assisting in crimes.

The Continuing Crisis

The Kirklees (West Yorkshire, England) Environmental Health department cited farmer Ronald Norcliffe, 65, in 2008 for inadequate lighting in his barn, which inspectors said failed to meet the "psychological needs" of his one cow and her calf. In his formal appeal, heard in October 2009, Norcliffe noted (unsuccessfully) that he has had a clean record as a farmer for 30 years and that in fact, he still lives fine without electricity in his own house. After his defeat, Norcliffe's lawyer sighed. "I still have no idea how much lighting is appropriate for a cow."

News That Sounds Like a Joke

Plastic surgeon Mark Weinberger, who skipped town in Merrillville, Ind., in 2004 to avoid mounting malpractice lawsuits and Medicare fraud charges, was finally cornered living in a tent on the southern slopes of Italy's Mont Blanc in December. As authorities approached to arrest him, Dr. Weinberger grabbed a knife and plunged it into his neck, but perhaps owing to his rusty skills (or incompetence, if the malpractice claims are accurate), missed the major artery and was captured. [The Guardian (London), 12-13-09]
The Great Yarmouth Sea Life Centre in Norfolk, England, lowered the water level in its giant aquarium for Christmas because the big turtles (which are herbivores) were scheduled to receive their annual holiday treat of brussels sprouts. Officials know from experience that if they fail to lower the water level, the gas bubbles from the powerful turtle emissions will lift the water high enough to trigger the emergency tank-flooding buzzers.

Just Can't Stop Myself!

In December, pedophile Theodore Sypnier (the first-ever New Yorker to turn 100 years old while behind bars) was released from prison even though he continues to deny that he has done anything wrong. He was sent once again to a halfway house near Walden, N.Y., run by Rev. Terry King, who took Sypnier in twice before and warns that Sypnier is still highly dangerous. "As a father," said King, "I would not want my child anywhere near him." Noting that Sypnier continues to reject counseling, King said, "He's been adamant that, 'I'm 100, and I'm not gonna change.'"

Least Competent Criminals

Failed to Keep a Low Profile: A news summary of traffic stops on Christmas Eve in Alice Springs, Australia, noted that 11 people were charged with DUI, including one man who was spotted driving despite his car's hood being broken in the "up" position and having smashed through his windshield. The driver maneuvered down the street by craning his neck out the side window.

Two weeks earlier, in Trumbull, Conn., police arrested Christopher Frazao, 27, after watching him drive despite a windshield full of snow (except for a small opening he could peer though). A search of the car revealed marijuana and other drugs, as well as items believed to have been stolen in recent burglaries.

A News of the Weird Classic

Psychology professor Russell Carney of Southwest Missouri State University told the Associated Press in August 1992 that he had developed a technique for improving memory and told the reporter how he could facilitate the recall, say, that a particular painting was done by Degas in 1865. First, think of an object that sounds like "Degas" (day-GAH), for example, "dagger," and then memorize the last two digits of the year by learning the sentence "Twin new moons rose low, just clearing four pine saplings," in which the first word begins with a T and stands for "1," the second, N, stands for "2," and so on. Thus, 1865 becomes "65," which becomes "just" "low," which could translate to J-L, which could be "jelly," which would produce a "jelly dagger," to which the subject tries to find a resemblance, somewhere, in the Degas painting. Simple as that!