How to ace your midterms the easy way
Published: Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Updated: Wednesday, February 22, 2012 12:02
With midterms right around the corner, many students are turning to the internet for advice on how to form the best strategy for success. If you are one of those students, you need look no further. Compiled here is a list of seven tips that are guaranteed to help you succeed without cutting into your vastly more important social life.
1. Don't start studying too early! This is important. All around you, other students will begin preparing for exams days and even weeks ahead of time. Don't fall into this trap. The sooner you start studying for a given exam, the more time you will have to forget everything.
For example, how much do you remember from your U.S. Constitution test in seventh grade? What's a Constitution? What's a U.S.? Exactly. For this reason, it is obvious that you should only study for the exam in the hours immediately before the exam, so that you don't forget the material.
Professor of Psychology Adam Savage, D.D.S., agrees. In an interview with this reporter, he said, "I think I read a study on the internet once. Or was it in a magazine? Anyway, it said that the human mind can only remember things for like a day or two." This brings us to the second tip.
2. Stay up all night before an exam! Drink as much coffee or as many energy drinks as necessary. This is the only effective time to study for the exam, so don't waste it. Blast loud music at four in the morning if necessary. Don't fritter any of this crucial time away by doing anything as stupid as sleeping.
Sleepologist James Franklin "Jamie" Hyneman, M.T.D., explained, "The human brain works best under pressure. Haven't you ever heard about moms picking up cars to save their babies? It's just like that. If you don't get enough sleep, your brain produces more seranorapheniprenols. They make you smarter than you would normally be." Besides, you'll have plenty of time to sleep when you're living in a van down by the river after you fail your exams, anyway.
3. Study with as many friends as possible! This is true even if your friends aren't in the class. They're obviously awesome, because they're you're friends. This means that their opinions may give you some crucial insight into the material that you hadn't previously considered. This may make all the difference when following the next step.
4. Think outside the box! The only way to really get ahead is to impress your teachers. You're not going to do this by memorizing a bunch of information from a book, or worse yet, by repeating whatever they said in class three weeks ago. They'll just think you're a copycat who can't think for themselves. Whenever possible you should argue that your feelings tell you the opposite of whatever they or the book say. Show them you're not a sheep!
5. If the exam is in essay format, make up sources! You can quote anyone as saying anything you want as long as you make up a citation. This really gives arguments authority, and makes you sound like you know what you're talking about. Especially if the person you're quoting has some important sounding title like Director of Awesome or Ph.D. in Genius. How will your instructor ever even know that there is no such person, title or book? He/she doesn't know everything!
Parkland's Dean of Studying Effectiveness, Kari Byron, had this to say about citing sources, "Most professors won't do more than a simple Google search to find the source you cite. If it's not on the very top, they usually just give up. After all, they have about 20 other exams to grade, and no time to be searching all night for stuff on the internet."
6. Don't ask your instructors for help! Asking for help will just annoy your teacher. They already went over the material once, and if you didn't understand, they will think that you're an idiot. If they decide that you're an idiot, there is no way you're going to get a good grade.
Everyone knows that your grades are based on how much the professor likes you, anyway. So if you don't quite get the material being covered, compliment the instructor on how clear they made it. Tell them it's very easy to understand, and that anyone that doesn't get it is a moron.
President of Faculty Educationing Tory Belleci told this journalist, "Nobody likes having to repeat themselves. If you don't get it the first time, maybe you shouldn't be in college." Getting on your professor's good side is crucial, which leads us to the next step.
7. Bribe your instructor! In this economy, every little bit helps. Even 10 or 20 dollars can turn that B into an A. Or bake them cookies. No one can resist the smell of warm chocolate chip cookies, right? Just bring a batch of those into your teacher's office during office hours and let them smell them. Then start playing hard ball.
Ethics professor Grant Imahara stated off the record, "I am a sucker for brownies. Just last semester, I changed a student's grade from an F to an A just because her brownies were so good. But don't tell anyone, okay?"
Just follow these seven steps, and your midterm worries are a thing of the past. Too much stress causes cancer, anyway. So it's best not to get all worked up over a bunch of silly exams. Think about it this way: A bunch of really famous people, like Homer Simpson and Superman, never went to college and they turned out alright. And besides, straight A's are for nerds anyway.