Apocalypse upon us;
Dr. Ramage first to fall victim
Published: Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Updated: Wednesday, March 28, 2012 11:03
“All efforts are being made to ensure student safety and reduce the disruption to the functioning of day to day college operations,” said Parkland Police Chief Von D. Young, Jr. “All actions taken by this department have been made with safety as the ultimate priority.”
To date there is no official report of the number of faculty, staff and students who have been lost during this crisis, but tentative estimates have them numbered in the hundreds.
Information about the event was initially suppressed, as it was deemed necessary to prevent mass hysteria. The inability of members of Parkland’s Department of Public Safety to completely eliminate the threat, however, has forced the release of details regarding this event.
Young describes putting down Zombie-Ramage as the most difficult test of his career.
Young also stated that he is awaiting the deployment of reinforcements from Illinois National Guard barracks at Camp Lincoln in nearby Springfield. In the meantime, he urges students to use the buddy system and to travel the halls in pairs.
Stories of how it all began are scattered and varied. What they all have in common, however, is that Dr. Ramage was visiting Organic Chemistry Lab II class in M-223 when something went wrong.
Details are still a bit sketchy, but Professor Richard E Grant was willing to say this, “I don’t like to speak ill of the undead, but I had told Dr. Ramage repeatedly that safety procedures applied to everyone. He still refused to wear a lab coat or goggles.”
It is as yet unknown what exactly went wrong, but it suffices to say that Professor Grant’s syllabus did not call for a zombie-creating gas explosion during that period.
Through luck and quick thinking, Grant was able to save several members of the class before the rest of those present were reduced to shuffling cravers of human flesh.
Grant initially made attempts to save Ramage as well, but was forced to leave him when the undead president continued to moan his desire to consume human cerebral contents, muttering only the word “Brains” repeatedly in response to Grant’s offers of assistance.
Faculty and students alike are desperately trying to maintain some semblance of normalcy as all around them, more and more fall prey.
Students can be seen skirting the dead bodies of the fallen in the hallways as they try to finish out their courses for the semester.
When asked why so many students would risk their life and safety just to finish their classes, sophomore Bob Loblaw had this to say, “Look, I’ve worked really hard all semester, and I’m getting good grades so far. I’m not going to let some stupid zombies mess that up. I just hope my professors don’t get bit.”
Getting bit is a concern for everyone on campus. With that in mind, all Kinesiology sections and sports teams have been suspended to free up resources so that the college can offer a free zombie survival course.
Those students still willing and able to make it to the Parkland campus are invited to take this course free of charge. The class is called Zombie Defense 101 and will focus on such things as cardio fitness, alertness and the use of random objects as weapons.
Students will not receive any credit for this course, but surviving the semester can be considered a passing grade.
Students who attend the class are asked to bring a golf club, baseball bat, hockey stick or other blunt instrument to practice on fully-dead zombie corpses. Students unable to bring their own weapon will be provided one, but supplies are limited.
The decision to suspend the baseball and softball teams was not an easy one to make. “I had to weigh the effects a missed season would have on the future careers of my players against their possible death,” said Parkland Athletic Director Rod Lovett. “I think the players understand.”
During this time of crisis, students are permitted to carry blunt objects with them while on campus, but are encouraged to refrain from using them against other students unless they are pretty sure they are undead flesh eaters.
Until the threat can be completely eliminated, students are encouraged to complete as much of their course work online as possible, and faculty members have been asked to be more lenient in their administration of attendance policies.