A legend comes to town
The Parkland campus hosted a special visitor on Feb. 30, 2015, though it appears many faculty, staff and students were unaware of the guest despite the fact that he stands somewhere between six and fifteen feet tall. Born in the summer of 2009, Slender Man is alleged to have been wreaking havoc world-wide for centuries.
“It simply isn’t true,” Man said, though he has no discernible mouth. “You simply can’t believe everything you read.”
Known to his close friends as “Slim”, Man is a long way from his native homeland of Germany.
“I recall the Second Battle of Breitenfeld like it was yesterday. Those were good times,” Man explained.
Prior to beginning his tour of the college, Man took a few minutes to hide amongst the trees near the soccer field with hopes of scaring some of the drivers on Interstate 57. His plans of moon walking with flailing arms towards the oncoming vehicles were quickly thwarted as he repeatedly found himself tripping over the fence separating the road from the school’s property. He noted that, if he had eyes, he probably would have been successful.
The basement of D-Wing marked his first stop. Soon after falling down both flights of stairs, Man found himself bruised but standing proudly in the photography lab. Man is no stranger to the digital media age and he couldn’t help boasting a bit.
“There are literally thousands of photographs of me out there. Some of my favorites were taken in places that I have never been,” he claimed.
Sporting his standard attire consisting of a white collared shirt and a black suit with matching necktie, it was obvious that the guest felt completely at home. After taking a minute to ask Man why he didn’t adopt his own fashion sense instead of “ripping off The Beatles”, an art student who had been working in the lab hasn’t been seen since.
Next on the day’s agenda was a trip to Staerkel Planetarium. While he was marginally impressed with the multitude of information about the universe that is housed within the walls of Staerkal, Man found great satisfaction in the building’s architecture. Taking full advantage of the open space, the visitor spun in circles as though he were the main rotor blade of an Apache helicopter. While he didn’t anticipate the unintended consequence of crashing into the seating area when he came to a stop, Man considered the experience to be a positive one.
After going completely un-noticed during a pass through the Theater Department and banging his head on the doorframes of nearly every room he entered for the rest of the afternoon, Man concluded his campus visit by attending the annual Men’s vs. Women’s Basketball game at Dodd’s Athletic Center. Coming into the evening, the Men’s team had enjoyed an undefeated streak since the inception of the event.
“I believe it is time for a change,” Man stated. “I have a fondness for the ladies.”
Using what he referred to as his Triple Threat, Man spent a good portion of the first period utilizing his abnormally long arms to clothesline the men as they attempted lay-up baskets. Man demonstrated his ability to make himself invisible during the second half of the game, pulling the men’s shots right out of the air before handing the ball to a member of the women’s team.
“I’ve never seen anything like it,” said sophomore guard Kennedy Hartman. “In fact, I’m not sure I saw anything at all.”
Man closed out his Triple Threat by donning a women’s uniform, stuffing the jersey with two extra basketballs, and making the men’s team disappear for the last ninety seconds of the game.
“I leave you with this,” he said before returning to wherever it is that he came from. “No matter what you do, no matter where you go, always remember that someone else isn’t going to be doing it there too either.”